How to tell if your preschooler is gifted

"Did you hear what he just said?" Many parents see every word their child utters or every squiggle he draws as evidence of his being gifted. Though most children aren't identified as gifted until they begin formal school, some show signs of being gifted at a very early age.
Gifted child Ben Hellerstein of Larchmont, N.Y., for instance, was actually reading nonfiction books and memorizing facts by the age of 4. His mother wishes she had realized that he was academically advanced at that time. "If I had," she says wistfully, "he could have gotten the help he needed in school earlier than he did, and his first year of school wouldn't have been so unhappy."


Signs of giftedness in a preschooler

Your 2- to 4-year-old may be gifted if he:

• Has a specific talent, such as artistic ability or an unusual facility for numbers. For example, children who draw unusually realistic pictures or who can manipulate numbers in their head may be gifted
• Reaches developmental milestones well ahead of peers
• Has advanced language development, such as an extensive vocabulary or the ability to speak in sentences much earlier than other children his age.
• Is relentlessly curious and never seems to stop asking questions.
• Is unusually active, though not hyperactive. While hyperactive children often have a short attention span, gifted children can concentrate on one task for long periods of time and are passionate about their interests.
• Has a vivid imagination. Gifted children often create a vast and intricate network of imaginary friends with whom they become very involved.
• Is able to memorize facts easily and can recall arcane information that he learns from television shows, movies, or books.

Other signs of giftedness may be a little harder to discern. By age 3 or 4, for example, some gifted children begin to realize that they are "different" from their peers. This can make them feel isolated and withdrawn; it may also make them likely targets for bullying.

They may begin to experience intense frustration because they can think more rapidly than they can express themselves, verbally or physically. If your child appears unusually angry or frustrated, you may want to consult a mental health professional.


Testing your preschooler for giftedness

Though you may want to know if your preschooler is gifted, most children don't need to be tested for giftedness before entering elementary school. However, consultations with a mental health professional may be appropriate if your preschooler appears to be unusually bored in school or shows any signs of emotional or social problems.

If your child is enrolled in preschool, speak to the teacher or school director to find out if the school is affiliated with any mental health professionals who specialize in working with gifted children. If your child is not in school or the school isn't being receptive to your concerns, ask your pediatrician to refer you to a child psychologist who conducts tests for giftedness. Keep in mind that that although private testing is often expensive (testing and follow-up consultation can run as high as $1,000), your insurance plan may cover the cost.

Children as young as 3 can be given IQ and ability tests, but experts believe that IQ test results obtained before the age of 5 are unstable — that is, if a child is retested, his scores can fluctuate significantly until this age. Years ago, children whose IQ scores were over 130 were considered gifted (the range for average intelligence is 85 to 115); today, however, IQ is one factor among many that need to be evaluated before a child is identified as gifted. Often parents and teachers will be asked to write their impressions of a child, and these subjective measures are considered along with test data.

When giftedness is hard to diagnose

You might be surprised to learn that a child can be both gifted and learning disabled. In most cases, the disability is recognized while giftedness goes undetected. Giftedness in children from ethnic minorities and disadvantaged backgrounds, and in those for whom English is a second language, is often overlooked as well. If your child falls into any of these categories, it's best to find a psychologist who is sensitive to these issues. It is also important to ask your child's teacher to observe him and look for talents that conventional tests cannot detect.

What every child need to thrive

You don't have to be a child development expert to give your baby a great start in life. Recent research confirms what we've known all along: Love, attention, and basic care are all your baby really needs and wants. To help your baby reach his full potential, follow these eight simple steps.

Show your love
Children need love. Your emotional caring and support give your child a secure base from which to explore the world. This isn't just touchy-feely advice. Hard scientific evidence shows that love, attention, and affection in the first years of life have a direct and measurable impact on a child's physical, mental, and emotional growth. Love and touch actually cause your child's brain to grow, according to Marian Diamond, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, and author of Magic Trees of the Mind: How to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence, Creativity, and Healthy Emotions From Birth Through Adolescence.

How do you show your love? Hug, touch, smile, encourage, listen to, and play with your little one whenever you can. It's also important to answer his cries immediately, especially in the first year, when experts say it's impossible to spoil a child. In fact, responding to your baby when he's upset (as well as when he's happy) helps you build trust and a strong emotional bond, according to Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of infants, toddlers, and families.

Care for your child's basic needs
Your baby needs all the good health and energy he can muster for learning and growing, so help him out by covering his basic needs. Take him in for regular well-baby checkups and keep his immunizations up to date.

Sleep is anything but wasted time for your baby, so help him get plenty of shut eye. During REM (rapid eye movement) sleep your baby's brain cells are making important connections. These synapses, as they're called, are the pathways that enable all learning, movement, and thought. They are the keys to your baby understanding all he is seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling as he explores the world.

For proper physical and mental development, make sure his diet is adequate in protein, vitamins and minerals and neither too low nor too high in calories. (If you're worried about your baby's sleeping or eating patterns, talk to your doctor.)

Tend to your baby's physical comfort promptly. Be sensitive to the fact that he's too warm or that his diaper is wet. You're a team, and one of your jobs is to take care of the basics so he can get on with his challenging tasks!

Talk to your child
Research shows that children whose parents spoke to them extensively as babies have significantly higher IQs and richer vocabularies than kids who didn't receive much verbal stimulation. You can start as early as during your pregnancy, so your baby gets used to the sound of your voice (it's a great way to start the bonding process, too).

Once your child is born, talk to him as you diaper, feed, or bathe him. He'll respond better if he knows the words are directed at him, so try to look at him while you're speaking. Don't worry about words of wisdom. Just describe what you're doing: "Mommy is putting warm water in the tub so she can clean you up." Try to avoid baby talk, though. Once in a while it's okay, but your baby can develop good language skills only if you speak to him correctly.

Read to your child
Next to talking, reading out loud is one of the most important things you can do to help build your child's vocabulary, stimulate his imagination, and improve his language skills. It also gives you an opportunity to cuddle and socialize.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends reading aloud daily to your child starting at age 6 months, about the time when he'll really begin to enjoy looking at books with you. But Jim Trelease, a reading expert and author of The Read-Aloud Handbook, says even newborns enjoy listening to a story. Make a point of learning about reading to your child.

Stimulate all his senses
For your child to learn about people, places, and things, he needs to be exposed to them. Every new interaction gives him information about the world and his place in it. Studies show that children who grow up in an enriched environment where they are presented with new experiences that engage their senses have larger, more active brains than those who grow up without adequate sensory stimulation.

Of course, children can become overstimulated; you don't want to bombard your child 24 hours a day or try to engage all his senses at once. When he's interested in playing, though, provide a variety of toys and other objects. Choose things with different shapes, textures, colors, sounds, and weights. Learn about the effect of music on your child's development at different ages, and sing the lyrics to your favorite lullabies. Play interactive games such as peek-a-boo and pattycake, go on walks and shopping trips together, and let your baby meet new people. Even your simplest daily activities will stimulate your baby's brain development.

It's also important to give your child room to roam. To develop strong muscles, good balance, and coordination, he needs plenty of space to crawl, cruise, and eventually walk. He'll also benefit from safe spaces where he can explore his surroundings without hearing "No" or "Don't touch." The easiest way to do this is to childproof your home (or at least the common areas). Keep dangerous objects out of your baby's reach and safe ones accessible. For instance, in the kitchen, put childproof locks on all the cabinets except one. Fill that with plastic bowls, measuring cups, wooden spoons, and pots and pans that your baby can play with safely.

Encourage new challenges
It's important not to frustrate your child with toys and activities that are way beyond his abilities, but a little struggling goes a long way toward self-improvement. When an activity doesn't come easily to your baby, he has to figure out a new way to accomplish the task. That type of problem-solving is the stuff better brains are made of. If he's attempting to open a box, for example, resist the urge to help him. Let him try first. If he continues to struggle, show him how it's done, but then give him back a closed box so he can make another attempt on his own.

Take care of yourself

Parents who are depressed or upset are often unable to respond swiftly and sensitively to their child's needs. One study, published in the journal Child Development and Psychopathology, found that children whose mothers were chronically and clinically depressed had abnormal patterns of brain activity, suggesting that the children also suffered from depression. Seek advice about coping with postpartum depression, and talk with your caregiver any time you think you may be struggling with depression.

If you're feeling drained, find ways to divide the household and parenting responsibilities with your partner. If you're a single parent, surround yourself with people who can offer you help and support. And don't forget to treat yourself to some time alone once in a while. Being a parent especially an involved and active one is tiring, and you need time to re-energize.

Find good childcare
If you work and aren't able to care for your baby during the day (or need a babysitter regularly), a quality childcare provider is essential to your baby's healthy development. You'll want to find someone who can do all the things mentioned above when you're not around. Whether your childcare provider is a nanny, a relative, or a daycare worker, she should be experienced, caring, and reputable, with a genuine love for children and the energy to help your baby thrive.

How to raise a child who listens well

Being a good listener is critical to your child's success at school. If he can't follow directions, whether on the playground ("Pick a partner and pass the ball back and forth across the field") or in the classroom ("Take out a piece of paper and a crayon") — he'll have a tough time learning. Children who are good listeners also have an advantage socially — they tend to be very good friends to others.

Here are seven ways you can help your child become a better listener:

Be a good listener yourself
Don't interrupt your child when he's telling you a story. Give him your undivided attention when he's talking — don't read the paper or carry on a conversation with someone else at the same time. Turn your attention to him when he wants to tell or show you something. If you want him to listen to you, he needs to see that you will listen to him too. Children return the respect they receive — and children who are listened to tend to become good listeners themselves.

Give clear, simple directions for everyday tasks
Get in the habit of giving your child simple instructions. Make eye contact with him, and say, "Please go into your room and make your bed. Then get your backpack and meet me downstairs." As he becomes a better listener, you can add another task or two. In this way, you're not only teaching your child to listen well, but also to be independent.

Praise good listening
Saying "Thanks for being such a good listener" will reinforce your child's desire to listen. Make a special point of praising him when he follows directions the first time.

Say what you mean
If you tell your child "You can have two more cookies," then give him two cookies — not three or four. Once your child figures out that you don't stick to your word, he'll tune you out.

Be consistent about consequences
If you tell your child that you will leave the grocery store if he continues to stand up in the cart, follow through without giving him another chance. Your child will be more inclined to do what is asked of him when he understands that his actions have clear, enforceable consequences.

Read aloud together
The time you spend reading together will help prepare your child for story time at school. He'll be expected to sit still for longer and longer periods so anything you can do at home to help him increase his tolerance for listening will help. But don't force your fidgety preschooler to listen to books he's not interested in — this will make him less rather than more interested in reading. For more information, see our article on how to raise a child who loves to read.

Play listening games
For a list of fun activities to promote listening skills, click here.

How can I teach my child appropriate manners for a restaurant or other public place?

There are two kinds of manners: those based on a genuine concern for others, and those that fall into the category of "formality." Your child will develop both kinds of manners as he develops socialization skills and his sense of empathy. Here are some ways to help gently speed that process along:

Be realistic. Behaving in a public place often means sitting still and keeping quiet — skills that don't come easily to most kids, who are by nature self-centered and impulsive.
If your child is simply unable to follow the rules, take heart in the fact that most "misbehavior" in public places is more often connected to your child's developmental stage than to a willful intent to behave badly.

Clearly explain your expectations to your child before arriving at the locale. Lay the groundwork with a few simple expectations in positive terms: For instance, say, "This is going to be a meal you'll really enjoy and a time for us to talk together, but you can't run around or talk too loud because it bothers the other people there who are also trying to have a good time." Or, "I'll read to you about the yummy food they have on the menu, and you can order for yourself. But remember to speak to the waiter in an inside voice and to say 'thank you.'"

Stick to the rules you've set. If you back down in public on the expectations you've established, you'll be sending a mixed message and your child will probably push the envelope. You don't need to become angry, however, or shame your child if he's finding it impossible to sit still. This will leave him feeling embarrassed and he'll connect these negative feelings with excursions to public places. Simply leave quietly, being firm and clear about why you are doing so.

Foster good manners at home. Consistency is important in helping young children to incorporate socialization skills, so try to have a basic set of rules your child must follow at home so that behaving properly in a public place comes more easily. Of course, there are differences between behavior in the home and behavior outside the home, so do your best to point out these subtleties to your child. For example, explain that mealtimes at home are generally more relaxed, voices can rise and fall, you "eat what Mom or Dad has cooked for you" rather than ordering, and family members usually clear their own plates from the table. But emphasize that courtesy and nice conversation is important in both places.

How to dine out with kids ... and enjoy it!

After years of dining out regularly and living the swell life on the bon vivant circuit, many parents of young children find themselves rooted at home, eating whatever is in the refrigerator. It's easy to see why parents shun restaurants and prefer to eat at home, where thrown food will only hit members of the immediate family. But if you never eat out with your child, what starts as a disinclination can eventually mushroom into a fear or even a phobia. If you have a 2- to 4-year-old and you're still uneasy about dining out, it's time to confront your demons. These suggestions will help:


Before you go

Pack a bag of tricks. Bring a variety of reliable amusements, including favorite books, games, and toys. If you know you'll need to fill an hour, overestimate and bring two hours' worth of goodies. If your child is especially energetic and restless, pack a couple of new toys that will keep his interest (at least until the food arrives). It's also a good idea to throw in a few favorite snacks, in case the food is slow to arrive or not to your child's liking (just because he loves the mac 'n' cheese at home doesn't mean he'll eat the restaurant version).

Pick the right restaurant. Choose a child-friendly restaurant, preferably one that is casual and loud enough to absorb any noise your family may make. Make a reservation if possible. If you're new to eating out with kids, consider working your way gradually up the food chain by practicing good behavior in a basic burger joint, where manners matter less to those around you.

Set some ground rules, and enforce them at home. Young children are creatures of habit. If you establish realistic, age-appropriate guidelines at home, you're more likely to see your child following the rules when dining out.

Treat eating out as a reward. To motivate your child to maintain some decorum in public, make eating out a special event where good behavior is not only expected but required.


Once you're there

Order kid-friendly food. This is not the time to spring something new on your child. Stick with recognizable favorites — burgers, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese. Order from the kids' menu, if there is one, or go with finger foods, like fries and chicken nuggets, that your child can dip into an assortment of accompaniments for added amusement.

Don't dawdle. Ask your waiter if the kitchen can prepare your child's dish quickly, or at least have him bring some bread or crackers your child can munch on while he waits for his meal. And order the appetizer the minute you are seated, so it will arrive well in advance of the meal.

Reserve certain special foods or drinks for restaurants. Consider allowing your child to have something that's normally forbidden at home — soda, for example. The treat will not only occupy his attention but will reinforce the idea that going out is a special privilege.


Heading off behavior blowups

Have realistic expectations. Concede that eating out with a young child will never be like eating out with adults. Patty Tomashefsky, of Foresthill, California, who eats out fairly regularly with her husband and young sons, has different expectations and rules for each child. "While Drew, age 2, may sit for a while, we usually let him stroll, with adult accompaniment, until the food arrives. Then he's totally engaged. Anthony, age 4, will pretty much stay at the table if he's got crayons or toys to play with," says Tomashefsky. It's not realistic to expect a 2-year-old to sit still, conversing quietly, for an hour. Instead, think of the meal as an opportunity to be engaged with your children. This can mean playing games, talking, reading, and, most likely, at least a little walking around. It's reasonable to expect a preschooler to be fairly well behaved (in other words, not running around and screaming) if he's entertained.

Choose your battles carefully. A restaurant is not the place to get into an unnecessary confrontation with your child. Aspire to good basic behavior and reasonable manners, but let minor transgressions go rather than getting into a battle of wills that could spoil the whole evening. Tomashefsky and her husband don't try to hold their young kids to impossibly high standards of dining etiquette: "We really focus on the basics — keeping them reasonably quiet and not disturbing other people."

Share the load. To make things go smoothly, both parents should be involved in meal management. If your child demands constant attention, take turns with your partner so one of you can eat while the other attends to your child.

Persevere. Even if you have a meal that ends with a bunch of overstuffed, untouched doggie bags, try again. Remember that as young children practice appropriate behavior, it becomes almost second nature, and your first few challenging meals will eventually yield a wonderful reward: children you can take anywhere with confidence.

My child won't sit still at circle time. What should I do?

You may not have to do anything. Lots of parents ask about this. But it's not necessarily the best thing to require preschoolers, kindergartners, and first graders to sit still at specific times. Many preschoolers in particular just can't do it. You might want to talk to the teacher about your child's being particularly active and explore ways she might deal with his restlessness during quiet periods. If the teacher punishes or disapproves of children who are too active, then you will want to intervene and advocate for your child. But try not to approach the teacher as an adversary. Start by mentioning the things you think she does well, and tell her how much you appreciate the work she does. Then bring up the issue of sitting still.

Children vary tremendously in the amount of activity they seek, and if you have a child who needs to be going all the time, then you have a special job at home in helping your child be ready for school. Play with your child, every day if possible, in an active, physical way that includes lots of laughter. Try roughhousing, romping, wrestling, or just rolling around together. You may worry that this will wind up an already energetic child, but it's really a release. Children need this kind of contact, and active children need to interact with an adult who is just as active and playful and creative as they are to help expend that energy. If they don't, these children get more and more antsy, restless, and scared.

Physical play fills up a child's reassurance tank, that place deep inside that makes him feel safe and loved. It's a large tank that needs to be refilled often. So roughhousing, horsie rides, chase games, hide and seek — any game in which the child is the guaranteed winner — all help a child feel as if the world is a safe and wonderful place. It seems paradoxical because you're hoping your child will relax and be quiet in school, and what helps that happen is playing hard, in a way that gives your child freedom to experiment — to leap off the couch, jump on the bed, run around the house, make noise. The harder and more physically you can play at home, the more relaxed and less antsy your child will be in school. Teachers have to look after so many students, they can't provide all the reassurance and physical contact that children need. This is your job as a parent, and it's great fun to be close in that playful way.